Friday, December 12, 2008

On my way for the day I find no sorrow
Everyday is all the same there's no tomorrow
And I feel like I feel Cause it's cold here where you left me
Hey I think that someday I might need you somehow
I, I think I might have loved you
These things I said but you were
A million miles away A million miles away
On my way for the day I find my heart is not for taking
And I know it's all but gone
It only served to make me cry
And I feel like I feel Cause it's black here with your memory
On my way for the day I find no sorrow

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I've been gone a little while sorry. I don't really have too terribly much today these days. Disappointing I know. But can you believe its only 2 weeks away from Christmas!? I'm EXCITED MUCHO! I've been working ALOT though. Big changes in my future! I'm so excited! xxoo

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm reading a book called One Heartbeat Away - your journey into eternity-. It's a fantastic book. Written about the idea and concept of GOD and looking at eviedence to prove or disprove His existence. Though I've just started the book makes so many excellent points...
The guy starts out by saying that the choices we make every SECOND are so important because our heart beats 100,000 times a day...but for each beat there is NO promise that one will follow and each one could be the last. So when faced with you belief and religion you need to know what you believe and what you don't and you need to make sure that belief is the right belief. It really is a scary thought without GOD and Heaven. What do you believe?
I know in my mind I’m asking how you can not believe in GOD. I know that some people would look at me and say how can you believe in GOD? I have an answer it's real and true to me and I wouldn't have to hesitate and try to come up with an answer that I would stumble all over. What about you. And I hate the "Life is just not that easy" excuse. I didn't have and easy life. My dad left when I was 2, I was abused and raped as a child, I suffered from depression, and I've lost so many of the best friends in life. So that excuse isn’t going to cut it.
When it comes down to it what do you have to lose? How wrong could the idea of GOD and Heaven be? It’s HOPE. Hope in something better than nothing. So what if we’re wrong so what if you think there is nothing after this. I’d like to believe you’re wrong. I’d like to believe there is a whole new better life for me. A life without suffering. Can you honestly say my belief is BAD? I don’t see the harm. Even if you call it false hope if I die I’d never know. So I’d like to spend my life living for everything instead of living for nothing.
All things point to His existence. Just look at the world around you. The sunset so beautifully painted up in the sky; it had to have had a painter. The people had to have a creator, a molder if you will. The perfect conditions for us to even exist; don’t you think that required a highly knowledgeable designer? It wasn’t just by random chance that we’re here. We’re not an “accident” no magic was required. Just love and patience and who is a better example of love and patience other than our LORD and Savior? It just far too complicated of a world to have come together by chance.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving Already!

Its November. Thanksgiving day to be exact. Its crazy. Time has just flown by. It seems its true the older you get the faster time seems to go by. I'm only 20!!! But the time I'm 35 I'll be getting whiplash from how quickly time is flying by.

It's less than a month until Christmas! (:

Monday, November 24, 2008

You are EXACTLY my brand of heroin...

Well hello there. Its been a while. Sorry. I mean I know no one really reads this thing. Its pretty much for my own sanity I suppose but whatever.

So I got sucked into the Twilight series. While its write for the 12 -16 year old girls the book blew my mind. Not because it was like a fantastic work or anything but... the characters of Edward and Bella are so. I don't know. I mean I couldn't relate to them really. But I found my self longing for the cnnection they had. It was strong and I donno. Very true, real, and honest. So amazing. Something that you Should want. :) Everyone is sooo absorbed in these books and I can clearly see why. I found my self HAVING to read the books ,wanting to, if I wasnt I was left feeling...kind of empty? Its was...wierd.. But the books provide an escape. A little fantasy world. Something i needed. Something I haven't had in a long time...A way out of the world and all its pain and sorrow, all of the stress and frustartion. I got so into them. After finishing Twilight I immediatly went out and got the sequle New Moon. I finished it cover to cover 18 hours I read with out stopping. I had to know. I'm buying the 3rd Eclipse tomorrow. 3 days since I read of Edward and Bella...I'm gong insane. I found my self pulling for the couple to make it through. At the same time I sort of fell for Edward..(as much as you can for a fictional character). He the type of guy you would kill to have. Perfect gentleman, honest, mysterious, alittle dangersous(ok ok I know MORE than a little), protective, and all around loving. The I'm breaking the rules to be with her because I love her that much type...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Things keep getting better and better. Like seriously everyday! I am so so so happy! I donno what has really changed?! Its great though. Like a few weeks ago I seriously was like "I hate everything." Which is a lousy way to be! Don't be like that. You'll be miserable!

Things are getting back on track attitude and mind set wise. Which is helping everything else fall back into place! You attitude has a lot to do with the people around you and what you're getting out of life. I think that negativity shuts a lot of doors that should always be Friends and friendship. People don't wan to be around a sour puss. Or how about your job? If you're negative people can feel it and see it and if you work in retail ya know your sales drop, hours drop, paychecks be come lousy, and co workers won't talk to you. Or how about FAMILY. The people who love you most. You negative attitude will shut them out when you probably need them MOST. Going through a tough time be positive. It changes everything. I knwo its hard to be positive when being tested, but it is a TEST!

God wants to see you pull throug be strom and praise him through anything. Negativity and shutting people out it is just the opposite. He doesn't fix everything for you. Sometimes he wants you to do it yourself. NOT ALONE. But for yourself. Its the ulimate praise to you LORD and Savior. Pulling through a tough time and to still love your God and to still give glory to Him and to show His love and to still have a passion for life.


I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands for
You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

Thursday, November 6, 2008


I am NOT thrilled with the election of Obama.
But what I am even more upset about is the number of people who say I don't like it b/c he is black. Let me just tell you. I do not have a care in the world what color our President is. That is the LAST thing in this world that I care about. I am not racist or prejudice against race of any sort. I am a very accepting person. So you can get that mess out of your head.

Now. I do not think Obama should be president YET! I think that he is not prepared for the responsibility of making choices for a nation. I do not think he is ready to take the responsibilty of the nation. I think that in a few more years he would make a wonderful president. However, I do feel that if the roles were reversed and it was Biden/ Obama. I think it would be a wonderful mix. I think Obama should give it a trial run as VP. Biden is soo much smarter in Forigen Policy than I think Obama is. I don't think he's gonna be good for the Economy either. I just don't think he is someone I can trust with a whole nation.

It is not because he's black. It not b/c the circulating rumor that he is the anti christ, it not b/c his middle name is Hussin. Its because I simply do not feel he is prepared for such a huge responsibility.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I get sooo tired of coming to this house. It isn't home and it never was. Because he likes to push me away. Push me out, make me hate everything. I've got to get out of here..asap.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Christmas in November!?

SO! I ended up working this morning! Which was fantastic! [: Seeing as how I definitely needed the hours! Anyways, so I'm working quite diligently on the placemats in the OH SO LOVELY Pier One and I on NOVEMBER 1, (the day after halloween) Find my self tapping along to what!?


That's right. Pier One is already play Christmas music....

Don't get me wrong I am the perfecr example of a Christmas FREAK,'s November 1st...We still have THANKSGIVING. [:

Peace out,

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween!!! I love Halloween! Its great, but as the day really started to approach i realize it really just snuck up on me. It was here before I really knew it.
See I work in the world of retail. [lame I know]. And we started putting out CHRISTMAS decorations 2 weeks ago. I just messed me all up for real. It's kinda of sad. I really have started to see that everything going on around us really set the bar for pretty much any and everything. And I'm feel a little robbed. I know that sounds silly but I really enjoy gettting the most out of every single day, but I kind of feel like with all that going on...I didn't really get to...I was so wrapped up in Christmas that I forgot that it was October and the Halloween hadn't even come and gone yet. ]:
So like I said I feel a little robbed. I didn't realy get the most out of this month. If that makes sense. Maybe i am just payco? lol.
Our world has just become sooo fast paced.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


There is this organization called [To Write Love On Her Arms]. I'm sure a few of you have heard about it. Its an amazing organization. Non-Profit. Helps teens and young adults who a depressed and suicidal. As well as those dealing with substance abuse [alcohol, perscription, & non perscription drugs...etc.] I heard about it a few years back. I have delt with all of these issues.[ ALONE ]! So I thought it was absolutley amazing that there was people out there like this to help people like me[or who I was]. I was lucky to come through. Seeing as how I went the path of recovery alone.

When I was 12 I moved to Rome where I still live today at the age of 20... I was very depressed. I shut the world out. Friends. Mom. Family. Everyone. I became VERY dependant on sleeping medication such as Ambien. I took OxyCodtin and adderall. I had image issues. I soon fell into the world of anorexia and bulimia. At 20 I [STILL] suffer with the Anorexia. I have been open about it to my boyfriend who is VERY understanding and supportive in find other ways for me to deal with my issues. There are days where I cry because I feel HUGE. And I'll avoid eating as long as possible and I know that is sad and its terrible and It is unhealthy. I am still working on it. One day I will be fine. I know I will.

TWLOHA is something I felt I NEEDED to be a part of. I know what it's like to go through difficult times alone and NO ONE should have to go through such huge issues alone. I joined their street team to help share the story and to share my story and to help anyone who feels like there is no one left to turn to.

To Write Love On Her Arms[THE STORY]
Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.
She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her c hurch, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.
She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.
I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes...
Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show. She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies. On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope. Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired. After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff. She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life. As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home. I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I have been a bust kid the past few days. =]

The weather has been fantastic. If feels like Fall. I love the cold and crisp air. It makes me sooo happy! =] And Phillip and I have been out side most of the weekend. So It has been wonderful! =D

I work almost all week. I'm off through the middle of the week which is good. Halloween is coming up soon. Ah I'm so excited... but I still need plans. But it will probably be scary movis and a couch! =]

Friday, October 17, 2008


So yeah, I've had a longs yet amusing and ANNOYING day. -lol- Is it a full moon?

So 1st: @ work this older lady came in and while she was shopping no one was bothering her or anything. We asked if she needed help and then sent her on her merry way. She probably spent close to and hour in the store then has the nerve to accuse me of following her around the store b/c she was black. >.< So angry. I'm not racist and I certainly do not follow ANYONE around the store!!! I was very upset. I never even crossed paths with the woman after speaking to her when she walked in the door.

Then: 2 people I though were my best friends pretty much stalked me. Followed me around rome all night, no joke. And then felt they had the right to say I was a bad friend b/c I was with my boyfriend?! -confused- much. They invited me somewhere I never said I would go. I said I would see about it but I never said yes. I had 55 - 60 missed calls from these girl in like 3 hrs?! Weird.

Full moon?? lol.

Actually I don't think there is one. I don't remember?

Oh well. This is both funny and annoying at the same time. =/

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I just need to start over. I was selfish and mean. I was hateful and incosiderate. I totally trashed [publicly in a way] A girl who didn't deserve it and didn't even do anything wrong. I shouldn't have done that. She has been so great to me and so accepting of someone who she didn't really even know until a few weeks ago and I totally tore her down with out a good reason or any reason at all. I was a brat. And I am so so so sorry that I did that. She has been nothing but helpful to Phillip and I. I was so wrong to do that. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me but if not I totally understand. I'm a terrible person.

Me and the boy are talking and working things out. We both agree that we need to get our tempers in check. Especially me.

I'm sorry I came on to this page with completly the wrong attitude. So negative. and mean.
I feel absolutly terrible....