Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween!!! I love Halloween! Its great, but as the day really started to approach i realize it really just snuck up on me. It was here before I really knew it.
See I work in the world of retail. [lame I know]. And we started putting out CHRISTMAS decorations 2 weeks ago. I just messed me all up for real. It's kinda of sad. I really have started to see that everything going on around us really set the bar for pretty much any and everything. And I'm feel a little robbed. I know that sounds silly but I really enjoy gettting the most out of every single day, but I kind of feel like with all that going on...I didn't really get to...I was so wrapped up in Christmas that I forgot that it was October and the Halloween hadn't even come and gone yet. ]:
So like I said I feel a little robbed. I didn't realy get the most out of this month. If that makes sense. Maybe i am just payco? lol.
Our world has just become sooo fast paced.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


There is this organization called [To Write Love On Her Arms]. I'm sure a few of you have heard about it. Its an amazing organization. Non-Profit. Helps teens and young adults who a depressed and suicidal. As well as those dealing with substance abuse [alcohol, perscription, & non perscription drugs...etc.] I heard about it a few years back. I have delt with all of these issues.[ ALONE ]! So I thought it was absolutley amazing that there was people out there like this to help people like me[or who I was]. I was lucky to come through. Seeing as how I went the path of recovery alone.

When I was 12 I moved to Rome where I still live today at the age of 20... I was very depressed. I shut the world out. Friends. Mom. Family. Everyone. I became VERY dependant on sleeping medication such as Ambien. I took OxyCodtin and adderall. I had image issues. I soon fell into the world of anorexia and bulimia. At 20 I [STILL] suffer with the Anorexia. I have been open about it to my boyfriend who is VERY understanding and supportive in find other ways for me to deal with my issues. There are days where I cry because I feel HUGE. And I'll avoid eating as long as possible and I know that is sad and its terrible and It is unhealthy. I am still working on it. One day I will be fine. I know I will.

TWLOHA is something I felt I NEEDED to be a part of. I know what it's like to go through difficult times alone and NO ONE should have to go through such huge issues alone. I joined their street team to help share the story and to share my story and to help anyone who feels like there is no one left to turn to.

To Write Love On Her Arms[THE STORY]
Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.
She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her c hurch, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.
She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.
I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes...
Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show. She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies. On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope. Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired. After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff. She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life. As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home. I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I have been a bust kid the past few days. =]

The weather has been fantastic. If feels like Fall. I love the cold and crisp air. It makes me sooo happy! =] And Phillip and I have been out side most of the weekend. So It has been wonderful! =D

I work almost all week. I'm off through the middle of the week which is good. Halloween is coming up soon. Ah I'm so excited... but I still need plans. But it will probably be scary movis and a couch! =]

Friday, October 17, 2008


So yeah, I've had a longs yet amusing and ANNOYING day. -lol- Is it a full moon?

So 1st: @ work this older lady came in and while she was shopping no one was bothering her or anything. We asked if she needed help and then sent her on her merry way. She probably spent close to and hour in the store then has the nerve to accuse me of following her around the store b/c she was black. >.< So angry. I'm not racist and I certainly do not follow ANYONE around the store!!! I was very upset. I never even crossed paths with the woman after speaking to her when she walked in the door.

Then: 2 people I though were my best friends pretty much stalked me. Followed me around rome all night, no joke. And then felt they had the right to say I was a bad friend b/c I was with my boyfriend?! -confused- much. They invited me somewhere I never said I would go. I said I would see about it but I never said yes. I had 55 - 60 missed calls from these girl in like 3 hrs?! Weird.

Full moon?? lol.

Actually I don't think there is one. I don't remember?

Oh well. This is both funny and annoying at the same time. =/

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I just need to start over. I was selfish and mean. I was hateful and incosiderate. I totally trashed [publicly in a way] A girl who didn't deserve it and didn't even do anything wrong. I shouldn't have done that. She has been so great to me and so accepting of someone who she didn't really even know until a few weeks ago and I totally tore her down with out a good reason or any reason at all. I was a brat. And I am so so so sorry that I did that. She has been nothing but helpful to Phillip and I. I was so wrong to do that. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me but if not I totally understand. I'm a terrible person.

Me and the boy are talking and working things out. We both agree that we need to get our tempers in check. Especially me.

I'm sorry I came on to this page with completly the wrong attitude. So negative. and mean.
I feel absolutly terrible....